Doubts are a normal part of being in a relationship. Almost everyone, at some point, wonders whether they’re with the right person. But when doubt becomes persistent—when it lingers, resurfaces repeatedly, or creates ongoing anxiety—it may be pointing to unmet needs or deeper incompatibilities that deserve attention.
One of the most common questions I hear as a couples therapist is: “How do I know if I should end this relationship?” The desperation behind the question is understandable. Choosing whether to stay or leave can feel overwhelming, and it’s natural to want someone else to give you the answer.
But the uncomfortable truth is this: only you can decide.
As frustrating as that may be, the responsibility makes sense. The person you choose to build a life with has an enormous impact on your long-term well-being. Decades of research show that the quality of our close relationships is one of the strongest predictors of health and happiness—outweighing factors like exercise, diet, and even smoking. The stakes are high.
From years of working closely with couples, certain patterns emerge that help clarify whether a relationship has the foundation to support lasting mutual happiness. If you’re questioning your current relationship, start by asking yourself these three questions.
1. Do they care about your well-being—and do they show it?
Care isn’t measured by grand gestures; it’s revealed in small, everyday moments. When something hurts you, how does your partner respond? Do they listen, take responsibility, and try to understand your experience—or do they dismiss, minimize, or become defensive?
A healthy relationship includes emotional presence. It means your partner shows interest in what matters to you, supports your goals, and encourages your growth. It also means they are there during hard times—when you’re grieving, overwhelmed, sick, or scared.
In strong relationships, you know you can turn toward your partner in moments of vulnerability and receive comfort rather than distance. Over time, that reliability builds trust and emotional safety. Without it, even love can feel unstable.
2. Do you genuinely like and admire this person?
Love alone isn’t enough. You can recognize someone’s strengths on paper and still feel disconnected from them in daily life.
Fondness and admiration are essential. You should like who your partner is—not just what they offer or represent. Research consistently shows that couples who hold positive views of one another and their shared history are far more likely to stay together and remain satisfied, while persistent negative perceptions predict long-term unhappiness and separation.
Ask yourself: Do you respect their character? Do you admire their values and how they move through the world? Does spending time together feel nourishing rather than draining?
You cannot force admiration or manufacture affection. A relationship shouldn’t feel like an obligation you endure—it should feel like a place you want to be.
3. Do I feel chosen by this person?
Every long-term relationship goes through seasons of frustration and disappointment. What matters is how both partners respond during those times.
Commitment isn’t just staying together—it’s the ongoing choice to remain emotionally invested, even when things are hard. In practice, this means your partner doesn’t threaten to leave during conflict, avoids emotional withdrawal, and is willing to have difficult conversations rather than shut down or disengage.
When one or both people consistently keep one foot out the door, the relationship cannot feel secure. Without commitment, there is no solid ground on which trust and intimacy can grow.
Feeling chosen means knowing your partner is in it with you—not conditionally, not temporarily, but intentionally.
Listen to Your Emotional Response
Now pause for a moment. Notice how you feel after reading these questions.
Do you feel relief? Dread? Validation? Anxiety?
Your emotional reaction is information. Relief may mean your answers reassured you—or it may mean you finally feel permitted to acknowledge that something isn’t working. Dread may signal that important needs are unmet, or that a difficult truth is surfacing.
Sustainable relationships offer emotional safety and a genuine desire to stay. When both are missing, your feelings are asking to be heard.
Whatever you discover, remember this: paying attention to your inner experience isn’t selfish—it’s wise. Your emotions matter, and they are often the clearest guide you have.
