Key Takeaways
- People are more open to engaging with you than you often assume.
- Relationships grow stronger through reciprocity.
- Consistent small positive interactions matter more than rare intense ones.
Over twenty years ago, psychologist Christopher Peterson summarized the essence of positive psychology in just three words: “Other people matter.” That simple phrase reflects not only decades of research and philosophy but also everyday human experience. Our relationships shape our health, happiness, and even our survival. Self-esteem itself often functions as an “interpersonal barometer,” influenced by how connected we feel to others.
While modern studies continue to emphasize that social ties are fundamental to well-being, there remains a central question: how exactly do we build connection? What creates that deep sense of belonging? How can we connect in ways that maximize its benefits? And how do we manage the fear of rejection that comes with opening up to others?
Nick Epley, a psychologist at the University of Chicago, explores these questions. He acknowledges that connecting always involves some vulnerability and that social pain is universal. Yet one of his most important findings is that people regularly overestimate the risks of reaching out. In reality, others usually respond with more warmth and positivity than we expect. Drawing from more than 20,000 data points on human interaction, Epley has put these insights into practice himself—whether chatting with strangers during a commute or strengthening bonds with close friends and family.
At the core of connection, he emphasizes, is trust.
“Trust is the belief that someone cares about you and has your best interests at heart,” says Epley.
Here are six lessons from Epley on the art of connection:
1. People are more eager to connect than you think.
Most of us underestimate how kindly others will respond when we initiate conversation. This miscalculation is especially strong with strangers, often due to faulty assumptions. If fear of rejection keeps us from reaching out, we never get the chance to correct our mistaken belief.
Another encouraging truth: although people aren’t paying as much attention to us as we often imagine (a phenomenon known as the “spotlight effect”), it’s usually because they are preoccupied with their own concerns—not because they are dismissive of us. And when they do notice, their judgments tend to be far more favorable than our anxious minds predict.
2. Reciprocity is the foundation of connection.
Social bonds are built on give-and-take. According to Epley, conversations thrive not just on words but on nonverbal cues—smiles, nods, gestures—that show responsiveness and understanding. These small affirmations transform a simple exchange into a moment of genuine connection.
Epley’s research highlights that what people actually experience is a dynamic back-and-forth dialogue, not the awkward monologue they often imagine. This reciprocity makes interactions far more rewarding than anticipated.
3. Frequency matters more than intensity.
“Well-being is driven more by the regularity of positive experiences than by their strength,” explains Epley. That means everyday moments—a warm greeting, a compliment, a brief act of kindness—can make a big difference.
Think of happiness as a tire that slowly leaks air. A single joyful event pumps it up, but it won’t stay full for long. The key is to keep refilling it through small, consistent acts of connection. Like exercise or healthy eating, social interaction works best when it becomes a habit.
4. Picture connection as physical closeness.
How close do you feel to someone? Researchers often illustrate this with two circles that range from far apart to fully overlapping. The closer they are, the stronger the bond.
Spouses, for example, often feel so integrated that they instinctively use “we” instead of “I.” But even a stranger can feel near or distant, depending on how much openness and trust are present.
5. Personality shapes expectations more than reality.
Introverts frequently assume that socializing will leave them drained, while extroverts expect to enjoy it more. Yet, studies show that once in the interaction, introverts often find themselves enjoying it as much—or even more—than extroverts.
In short, our beliefs about how interactions will feel often matter more than our actual personalities when it comes to predicting outcomes.
6. Beliefs can create unnecessary barriers.
When people imagine talking to a stranger, they predict that they’ll enjoy it more than staying silent. Yet, the fear that others don’t want to engage stops them from trying. “We miscalculate,” Epley notes. “We assume rejection is more likely than it really is.”
He also points out that while we think rejection will hurt badly, in reality, negative emotions fade faster than positive ones. Our “psychological immune system” helps us rationalize setbacks and recover quickly, but positive connections can continue to uplift us for much longer.
Final Thought
There’s no perfect script for starting meaningful conversations. What matters most is the mindset: approach others with genuine curiosity and give them your full attention.
Nick Epley, the John Templeton Keller Distinguished Service Professor of Behavioral Science and Director of the Roman Family Center for Decision at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, reminds us that connection is always within reach—if only we’re willing to try.
